


Mr. Personalities

by agent85



Series: 52 Stories in 52 Weeks [22]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Crack, Even the Undead, Everyone ships Fitzsimmons, F/M, the crackiest crack to ever crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 01:20:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7412884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent85/pseuds/agent85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hive hears voices.</p><p>They all ship FitzSimmons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mr. Personalities

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to week twenty-two of my [52 short stories in 52 weeks challenge](http://agent-85.tumblr.com/52)! This week's prompt: a story from the perspective of someone dead/undead.
> 
> I'd like to dedicate this to the great people of [Team Biochem](http://teambiochem.tumblr.com/)! I'm so happy to be on a team with you!

H-hello?

Is anyone here?

Where am I?

I was . . . I was on that planet. I was . . .

I was leading.

Now, I'm . . .

Falling?

_Ugh, here we go again._

Wha- who's there?

_Nathaniel Malick. The pleasure is all mine, I'm sure._

Malick?

_He's met my brother._

**He's a popular guy.**

Wait, who else? Who else is there?

**Will Daniels. And you are?**

I'm . . . I'm Grant Ward.

**Ward. Jemma told me all about you. It's probably a good thing you don't have legs, or I'd have to break them.**

I don't have . . . what?

**Was I this annoying?**

_You were worse. You kept screaming for Jemma._

Jemma. Simmons? You know her?

**You know that I know her. We met earlier. Or, at least, he made you think it was me.**

_He likes to play that game._

Will. That's right; I remember. You were supposed to be our guide.

_Except Will was the bait. He likes the play that game, too._

He?

**It.**

_Alveus. The thing that ate you._

Ate me?

**I really was that annoying?**

_A hundred times worse. You were screaming for your mom, too._

**Okay, okay.**

Something ate me?

**The creature from the planet slithered into your dead body. Now he's using it as a suit. Congratulations; you're a zombie.**

_What's the last thing you remember?_

I was . . . I was lying on the ground and Coulson, he was . . .

_He probably killed you._

**Yup.**

_That's how you ended up here with us. We are the previous hosts of Alveus._

**That's one way of putting it.**

No, wait a minute. I can't be dead. I was right by the portal.

**So was I. Didn't stop him from taking me.**

_I was on the planet for about five seconds before he got to me. The old men say that's a record._

Wow. You must be a real loser.

_Hey! Will?_

**Yeah?**

_Tell him he can't say that to me._

**You're an adult. Tell him yourself.**

_Malicks don't do that._

Malicks don't do a lot of things. Like keep promises.

_Hey, if you're talking about my brother, well, he betrayed me, too. He sent me here right after my sixteenth birthday. I've never even kissed a girl._

**Oh, that part's easy. You go up to her, tell her you're an astronaut, and then she does the rest.**

Or you go on a kamikaze mission against enemy forces. That always works for me.

_And if I can't do either of those things?_

**Well, it helps if you're unbearably handsome.**

_I'm not._

**Oh.**

Ouch.

_Never mind._

No, wait. It's just like I was telling Fitz. You wait for the right moment, and then you tell her how you feel. But it helps if the world's ending.

_Fitz? Was he like me?_

Well, are you a super genius?

_No._

Do you know how to hold your breath for a long time?

_No._

Would you rather jump out of a plane than tell a girl you like her?

_Yes._

Eh, close enough.

**Fitz is a great guy, though.**

_You knew him, too?_

**Jemma knew him.**

Jemma followed him around like a lost puppy. He didn't notice because he was doing the same thing to her.

_Wait, she liked him?_

**She never shut up about him. Never.**   

They practically came out of the womb together.

**And by never I mean NEVER.**

Except they weren't related, of course. Separate wombs, but at the same time.

**"Fitz liked this." "Fitz was afraid of that." "Fitz wouldn't have told me to lose all hope just to score a makeout session."**

They liked to finish each other's sentences, and honestly, it was a little creepy sometimes.

_So, they were, what? Like siblings?_

**Oh, no.**

No way. Fitz was so far gone that he started walking into walls when she passed by.

**Jemma has this very long, extremely detailed scientific explanation for why his eyes are the perfect shade of blue. It has equations and everything.**

At first you think it's ridiculously pathetic, but then you see those puppy dog eyes, and it starts to melt your cold, cold, Hydra heart.

**It's adorable.**

_Wow. That sounds . . . nice._

Trust me, kid. These two make Mickey and Minnie look like rodents in play clothes.

_What?_

You don't know who Mickey Mouse is? Wow, that's rough.

_Of course I know who Mickey Mouse is! I'm not_ that _old._

**He just thinks your metaphors stink. Because they do.**

Well, they're perfect together. They're like two perfect, adorable, science babies.

**Jemma was in her late twenties.**

I stand by my statement.

_So, what made them so perfect for each other?_

**Well, they both were really science-y.**

Half of the time you had no idea what they were saying. And the other half of the time, they were talking about _Doctor Who_ , and then you _really_ didn't know what they were saying.

**He had this really organized desk, and Jemma was super into it.**

Sometimes she would wear these ties, and I would practically have to pick Fitz's jaw up from the floor.

_A girl who wears ties? That's . . . interesting._

Sounds like you find it a little more than interesting.

_No! I just . . . I never met a girl like that. And she was smart, too?_

Two PhDs at the age of seventeen. Or was it sixteen? I always forget. Young, though. She was very young.

**Hydra spent centuries trying to figure out how to get off the planet, but she solved it in one montage.**

_Wow._

Careful. They don't have cold showers here. Do they have cold showers here?

_All I'm saying is that Fitz must be a hero if he got a girl like that to fall for him._

Well, he did survive falling to the bottom of the ocean. 

**That's because you pushed them in!**

_What?_

**They thought Ward was their friend, but then he locked them in a box and hurled them into the ocean.**

Hey, hey, hey. If it wasn't for me, they never would have gotten their act together. 

**Fitz got brain damage.**

Which made him very sympathetic and vulnerable. Women love it.

_I don't see how y—_

Besides, it's not like I was _with_ Jemma. Will did that.

_WHAT?_

**Look, I can explain.**

_You took Fitz's girl from him? After Ward gave him brain damage?_

**It was her choice!**

Oh, come on.

**In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best idea. I was kind of rooting for them myself. Still am.**

Yeah, because wanting your girlfriend to be with someone else is very healthy.

**Didn't you hand your crush over to her monster father so she would become evil enough that she would lower her standards for you?**

Hey, let's not get into the past.

_You've been talking about the past this whole time!_

Well, I'd much rather talk about the future. Do you think Jemma and Fitz got their act together by now.

**Considering the fact that she still wouldn't admit that she loves him even after I caught her drawing hearts around his name in my dead teammate's journal . . . I  would say no**.

_She what? Do girls still do that?_

Women have been drawing hearts since the beginning of time. They're finding them in cave paintings every other day.

**That's not true.**

Anyway, the point is that they're both back on Earth now. I doubt that there's anything that can keep them apart now.

**Unless she's still pining after me. I have that effect on women.**

_Oh, shut up._

You took the words right out of my mouth.

_So do you really think that Fitz . . . kissed her? Do you think he used tongue?_

Wow, you really need to get out more. But yes. And if not, I'm sure that we could push them in the right direction the next time we run into them.

_How do you know we'll run into them?_

Remember how they're super geniuses? Alve-whoever is bound to need them for something eventually.

**Yeah, that's probably true.**

_But what if Jemma is still hung up on Will?_

Yeah, Will. What if Jemma's still hung up on you?

**Okay, fine. What if I can prove, without a shadow of a doubt, that Jemma is one hundred percent over me?**

How would you do that? It's not like she can shoot you. That's when you know that a girl is done with you for good.

**I'll think of something.**

So, what's next? We wait until Alveus is near Fitz or Jemma, and then we try to—

SILENCE!

Who is that?

**That's the big boss.**

_Alveus._

ALL OF MY TRIBUTES HAVE BEEN UNWORTHY. NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM KNOWS THE END TO BEOWULF. I'VE WAITED A THOUSAND YEARS FOR AN UPDATE TO THAT TALE!

Look, we're just talking about helping our friends find true l—

SILENCE, I SAY! HOW AM I TO ORCHESTRATE THE DOWNFALL OF THE HUMAN RACE IF YOU INSIST ON PLOTTING MUTINY?

You know, he's got a point. I'm all about the downfall of humanity, so.

**We'll shut up now. No more mutiny.**

THAT ANSWER IS SATISFACTORY. GOOD NIGHT.

_Good night, Alveus._

_Good night, Ward._

_Good night, Will._

**Shut up, kid.**

**Author's Note:**

> I regularly post sneak peeks and general ramblings about my writing on [my tumblr](http://agent-85.tumblr.com/tagged/Writings%20of%20Agent%2085).
> 
> And hey, my [choose your own adventure story](http://chooseyourownfsadventure.tumblr.com/) is back in full swing! Come check it out!


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